Jon Jolly

I’m loving the satirical news posted over at NewsBiscuit and this particular article caught my eye!

‘Supply vicars’ unable to control unruly congregation

Rural parishes unable to find permanent members of the clergy have been forced to bring in supply vicars whose inexperience and lack of authority has made them vulnerable to disruptive parishioners, says a new report.

One temporary priest was reduced to tears with heckling and catcalling during his sermon, and when he looked up he saw that all the church-goers had turned their pews round to face the opposite direction. ‘These young supply vicars do not have the experience to be able to hold the attention of wayward Christians,’ admitted the Archbishop of Canterbury. ‘The moment they turn their back they are pelted with screwed up service sheets and Alpha Course leaflets made into paper planes, and many of them just don’t know what to do.’

In a small church in South Devon, one vicar was subjected to mass humming, while another gradually became aware that the mumbling and feigned coughing around the congregation was part of a daring game where each church-goer had to say the word ‘bollocks’ slightly louder than the last. In extreme cases of disruption, tearful vicars have run out to the vestry and phoned for the bishop, who has had to come down and give the congregation a serious talking to.

‘People imagine that church-goers are serene and gentle people, but nothing could be further from the truth’ said one vicar who has quit the Church after the pressure became too great. ‘On one occassion I asked the elderly congregation what they normally did for Evensong, and the old ladies told me they usually did black mass and sacrificed a goat to Beelzebub. How was I to know it was a wind up? It was only when I smeared the goat’s blood on my face and saw them giggling that I realized I had made a bit of an idiot of myself.’

Genius!

A brilliant satirical website of a ficticious government department. Check out today’s Peril Level Alert or read the latest on ID cards.

I just found a link to the funniest Christian parody website yet! Datetosave.com claims to help single Christians bring others into the kingdom through dating. As their tagline reads “Dating to save people from Hell!”
From the site:

Doesn’t God look down on missionary dating and tells us to not be “yoked with unbelievers”?
I looked up yoked, and the dictionary says it’s a “A crossbar with two U-shaped pieces that encircle the necks of a pair of oxen or other draft animals working together.” I would never encourage anybody to do this on a date… I think the thing that is more important is that we should use our talents for God. If you’re really good at dating, or just really really good looking, then you should use that to bring souls to God.

Should you date one person until he comes to Christ, or should you date lots of people?
Jesus told us to reach the “outermost parts of the world.” I mean, I’m not going to fly to Kenya and date some guy who eats worms, but I think for me, “outermost parts of the world” means all the hot guys that live around me here in Fremont, California. But, God told me not to be a polygamist, so the goal would be to dump your boyfriend before witnessing to your next one. If you follow my tips, you should have no problem!

In no way do I endorse the content or views expressed on the site, but it is funny!

Thanks to Marko for the link.

This has been posted all over the web and seems to be a tongue-in-cheek advertisment from the sacred sandwich. Ironic no doubt but it’s scarily not too far from actual products available. Check out ship of fools for more “Gadgets For God”.